Feelings Within
by Julian Amsel
Summary: Harry thinks about the one he loves... (PLEASE don't kill me for this!!! *sweatdrops*)


Author's notes: *sweatdrops* Okay, first things first. This is my first HP fic, and it's probably going to be my last. Who knows, I might edit this one someday... anyway, I don't care what you have to say about this one. Got it? I mainly wrote it 'cause I've never seen any fics like this one before... so I wrote it. Had the idea kicking around in my head for a while, and finally got it written down.   
This here is a PWP... meaning it has no plot, and is basically just musings. I was GOING to add some plot in, but I've got a lot of other fics up on the drawing board, and figured I'd just leave this the way it is 'cause my ideas were so fuzzy.   
Now, you should know.... flames don't make me mad. They only fuel my creative urges. So, say whatever you want. Who knows, if you say something that I find is actually worth listening to, I just might consider taking your opinion into account. *shrugs* Well, whatever...   
On with the fic! Oh yeah, and it's from Harry's Point Of View.... obviously. 

"Feelings Within" 

It's been days since the second task. It's still stuck in my mind.. among other things. I'm just glad everything turned out all right... maybe I'll get through this thing alive. Maybe.   
I'm guessing it's midnight.. it's hard to tell. I'm laying awake, not really doing anything.. just thinking. But thinking too much can cause brain damage, or so I've heard.   
Still... that second task left me a lot of questions, without any answers. Then again... had I merely burring those questions a while ago, and they're just beginning to surface now? I don't know. Yet another unanswered question. But, I'm patient... I'll wait for the answer to come to me. 

That task... those questions... it made me think about... something I've been holding within myself for a long, long time. A few years, in fact. Ever since I came to Hogwarts, I've been concealing it, denying it.....   
It's not as if it's that bad a thing. I accepted the fact that I am.. this way... a long time ago... to be of both minds isn't a bad thing. Or so I've been telling myself. It's worked so far, to keep my feelings at bay for a while... Telling myself that it doesn't matter, that my mind is just going through a stage of uncertainty... But now, it's stopped working. I can't deny what my mind is telling me any more. 

The task... that must be what changed everything. Or at least, made what already was clear even clearer. It brought the subject before me, brought it back into my mind after I buried it... In trying to deny the way I felt, it only made the feeling stronger.   
But why? Why should I be the one.... after everything I've been through, why does the Keeper of the Stars throw yet another weight on my mind and soul?   
Is it because I am special?   
Is it because I am "chosen"?   
Is it because the Keeper of the Stars likes to play cruel jokes?   
That is a question which I cannot answer. And it is one which I have little choice about any way. So I leave it alone.... But what of the other?   
I accept things as they come. That is what I have to do, anyway. I accept the way people think I should be... and I accept the way my heart thinks I should be.   
I accept it.   
I, Harry Potter, am a wizard.   
Not hard to accept at all. It is actually a relief. One problem solved.   
I, Harry Potter, am an orphan. My parents were killed by one who wishes to kill me as well.   
A bizarre twist of fate... but I accept it as it comes.   
I, Harry Potter, am a bisexual.   
Not hard to accept at all. As long as no one knows, I am fine. The way things are is the way things are, and the way things are are good. Not a problem. If I keep my mouth shut, it will merely be silent...   
Or so I thought. Hiding from my feelings... it hurts. I feel like I might explode... but I endure it. I will not speak. 

What is love? So many definitions, so little time. Love... everyone thinks that it is a different thing. Nowadays, it has become something dark, because people tarnish its good name. Love is not lust.... but people think so.   
I looked it up once in a Muggle dictionary... it said that love is a deep feeling between a person and other persons. Basically, a synonym for friendship. I am fine with that... it is not a problem. But then, it went on to say that it is also a strong, passionate affection from one person toward another... That is where I have trouble.   
Am I in love? Yes, if you think of the first definition. But the second..... thinking of what it says.... do I love.. him?   
I have been searching for the answer to that question for such a long time..... and I think I know the answer.   
Yes.   
I love him.... I do not think my mind is playing tricks on me. I am certain like this. It is different from the way I feel toward Hermione... and it is different from the way I feel toward Cho. Hermione is a friend, and I love her as one... Cho is just a friend as well. A silly crush, perhaps.. but I do not love her. She's just a friend. The feeling so strong... I don't love a girl that way. My heart loves who it wills.. but....   
A feeling so strong... toward... him?   
Why him? Of all people? I do not know. But I know I love him.... and that's what makes it so hard.   
To know that he'll never feel the same way... it hurts. But I know how to deal with it... I've been dealing with it for a long time.   
I, Harry Potter, am a bisexual.   
I accept it.   
I, Harry Potter, love Ron Weasley.   
I accept it. 

Perhaps one day I'll tell him... perhaps one day it'll fade away, though I doubt it. Until then... I'll accept it. 

End notes: This is dedicated to whoever read this and actually liked it. ^_^; And just so you know, I almost NEVER put up warnings when I write shounen-ai fics, SO THERE. ^_^ 


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